Monday, November 25, 2013

King of the Finns

If this isn't love, I don't know what is
Things that I learned from Finn over the weekend, mostly while watching football on TV yesterday:
  1. The most powerful kinds of guns are nuclear steam guns.  These are apparently really, really powerful.  Like one hundred times powerful.
  2. To load a nuclear steam gun, you just grab some atoms and pour them in.  Like in a BB gun.  This is apparently safe and will not result in hand cancer.
  3. Finch (Finn's imaginary nickname) means King of the Finns.  In the same way that Tyrannosaurus Rex means King of the Tyrant Lizards.  I'm no etymology expert, so I'm just going to have to trust him on this one.
  4. You can tell the name of the football team just by looking at the pictures on their helmets.  It never fails; you really can't go wrong.  Finn was most excited by the Magnets v Woodpeckers game on Sunday.
Unfortunately, he nearly lost me before any of this began.  We turned on the TV to figure skating and before I could change the channel (but after I shrieked loudly), Finn informed me that he loves figure skating because it's just like football, only they play it on ice.   Intrigued, I decided to watch for a minute.  Maybe I've been watching it wrong all of these years.

Unfortunately, the 97 lb. Russian girl in the pretty sequined dress never laid a hit on anyone and so we eventually changed the channel so we could watch the Green Footballs take on the Pelicans.

I can't wait until next Sunday. 

Monday, November 18, 2013


I've learned a lot of things as a parent.  I can change a diaper with one hand while setting up a pack & play with the other; I can install a car seat while simultaneously cleaning vomit off of my pants; and I no longer retch if someone defecates directly onto me - provided that someone is one of my children.  One thing I didn't expect to learn was a new language.  But I have.  The language is Martyrese and I'm awesome at it.

It's not a hard language to learn.  You can use all of the words that you already know - you just can't use them to speak to the person with which you are communicating.  Martyrese must be delivered via a third-party to be effective.  It's a finesse language.  Intended to make your spouse feel guilty.  And if done right, extremely angry.

Let's practice.

Situation:  Baby is screaming, on the floor.
English Phrase:  "Dear wife, I would love some assistance with the crying baby."
Martyrese:  Spoken directly to nine-month-old child:  "Oh, I'd love to pick you up sweetie, but Daddy has been so busy doing all of the housework while Mommy sits over there checking her email that I'm not sure when I'll be able to help."

Sounds like English, right?  But it's not.  It's way better.  It's like English on amazing passive-aggressive-steroids.  The emotion that such a simple phrase evokes in Martyrese far exceeds almost anything you could get from a sentence with such few swear words in English.  If your wife doesn't speak to you for an hour, you'll know you've got it right.

I get it right a lot.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to quit blogging so I can go finish up some work stuff.  I want you (dear readers) to know that I would have done it earlier, but I was too busy doing laundry and making sure our family finances don't fall apart while someone sat on the floor playing with our adorable kids that I didn't have time.

I'm so good at this it's scary.

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Never mind

Found the other one. She was running an important errand for Daddy.

-- Post From My New (Jail) Cell

The Artist at Work

I'll bet Kitty thinks twice before leaving both kids with me for the day next time!

Wait a minute. I swear there was another kid around here.


-- Post From The Doghouse