Episode 3: Nosh with the Finns

Sorry it has taken me a while to get out part 3 of our North East adventure but a head cold got the better of me last week, and everybody loves a summer cold. N’uf said.

We last left off with the Parker family wedding. My Mom and my 12 yr old niece Caroline were with us in MA babysitting, which allowed Woody and I to celebrate the wedding in style¹. Thanks Mema and Caroline! On Sunday after the brunch we were all headed back to CT to see the Finn clan. After a quick stop for beer and wine before we crossed the border, Woody roared us off to CT barely containing his glee at being amongst aggressive, cutthroat drivers again.

My nephew Sam met us at the car when we pulled up to my oldest sister Kelly’s house in West Hartford, CT. He had been waiting a long 4 months to meet his first and only cousin. Sam has made it his lifelong goal to annoy his sister Caroline and he was more than ready to recruit some new blood for his cause. Kelly has been providing us with updates on his excitement over the fact that Finn turned out to be a boy (bonus) and how he is planning to teach him all his tricks, “but if he steals my act, then he’s out” Sam warns. Below is the letter Sam wrote to Finn in anticipation of his arrival.


Finn’s middle name is “David” in memory and honor of Sam’s and Caroline’s Dad. Now from what I hear, David was quite the troublemaker himself when he was young, so we all better watch out for Sam and Finn in the future. I think we all figured Sam would be bored with Finn once he realized that he doesn’t do much yet, but he surprised us all by wanting to be wherever Finn was, even holding the monitor during his naps and keeping us updated on his status. With Sam on watch we could relax into our wine and beers and enjoy some QT with the Finn Fam.

Caroline, who I like to call my “mini me,” was the perfect babysitter. At 12 she really has been waiting a long time for a cousin and she made sure to tell Finn how cute he was every chance she got. The kid likes compliments, just like his Mommy.

Some notable highlights were Finn experiencing his first thunderstorm with Kelly and Brian on the veranda (he actually may have been napping but we were psyched!) and some quality pool time at Mema’s. With only 5 days of summer in Seattle we seize any and all chances to frolic in the water. Finn got to go in up to his knees and dive off the high dive but that's where we drew the line.

Another highlight was Finn’s fancy dinner with Big Finn (Grandpa). We expected a meltdown with the time change and the late hour, but Finnja was enthralled with Grandpa Finn. He was anxious to start training Finn in the art of, well, being a Finn. Trust me there is a lot to learn but it's mostly "on the job training". Finnja excelled; he charmed the pregnant waitress and even offered to pay the tab, but his Baby Amex black card was declined. We think he discovered online gambling. Just try to take that toy away from him. Trust me no one will sleep, just like in Vegas.

One really cool thing I've noticed about delivering a Grandkid is that you get to see your own parents with your baby and get a glimpse into how they were with you. Not to get all sappy but that really is a sweet thing to see. When Mema took Finn off the car roof where he had been strapped and his hair was all mussed up, she cooed and sang to him as she patted his fauxhawk down. I just melted. Just kidding Child Services, just making a funny. The trip was great, but too short as always. Luckily babies change at lightning speed so my family got to see Finn discover his feet. I suspect he was taking advantage of being out of his bulkier cloth diapers and into his streamlined disposable travel diapers.

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¹ My favorite reception moment had to be when Woody dropped me on the dance floor. Luckily no one saw it, except for, gee, the nice older couple sitting with us at brunch the next day. Oh right, that’s where that bruise on my foot came from. Luckily there were mimosas. Nobody puts Kitty in the corner!

Please sir, can I have s'more?

We took the Ninja to the doctor for his 4-month check up last Friday. This was a milestone visit, as we were eagerly anticipating the green light to move on to solid foods. The boy is still a wee bit on the skinny side (shocking, given his parents' combined weight of 47 lbs), so we were eager to bulk him up with some burgers or Tat'stramis. Plus, we figured the extra food couldn't hurt his sleeping.

I had heard that rice cereal was typically the first solid food, but I was totally bummed to learn that rice cereal does not mean Cocoa Crispies. It doesn't even mean Rice Crispies. This crap isn't crispy at all. It's Rice Mushies. I feel like we're feeding Oliver Twist.

I guess I need to come to terms with the fact that I'm not going to be able to order pizza with the boy for a while. This is a tough realization to come to, on account of the fact that I built that kid with the express purpose of having someone to share food with, since Kitty has a broken cheesy/wheaty-bone.

Of course, the boy has had the sniffles for almost a month now, so it's starting to seem like he might be all allergic like his mommy. What if he can't eat pizza? Or nutritious McDonald's Chicken Selects with delicious Spicy Buffalo Sauce?

I don't even want to think about that.

Here's Finn enjoying his very first solid meal. I think it's safe to say from the look on his face that he would rather be eating pizza.


On another note, we got our first real, legitimate laughs from the mouth of the boy tonight. They came when Mommy was trying to put him down for bed, but of course that didn't stop me from running up there in an attempt to get him all riled up with more laughing.

As a result, Mommy's still trying to put him to bed.

Bad Daddy. Bad.

Pass the cold, please

This past week has been very snotty for the Parker household. For the last month we've been perfecting a new game called Pass the Cold and last Monday we got really good at it. I had always heard that daycare was going to turn our house into a petri dish, but I didn't expect that it would start on Day 1.

Of course, it doesn't help that the Ninja's latest move is "Put it in My Mouth." He's not all that great at grabbing stuff, mostly because he still operates his hands like a possessed televangelist, but when he does get a hold of something, you better believe that it's going in his mouth.

To try to counter the crap he's inhaling, we've started bathing him more. Which isn't hard, considering that we used to only wash him about once a quarter. He didn't used to like it so much. Lately, however, he's really taken a shining to it.

Behold the Ninja as he discovers splashing. I recommend putting on a slicker before clicking Play.

Hey man, you got a binky?

... It'd be a lot cooler if you did.

Finn channels Slater:


This explains everything. The hunger. The laziness. The conspiracy theories about mind-control formula.

Forget daycare, we need to get this kid to rehab.

Hose the nose

For the last month or so, the Ninja has been dealing with a stuffed up nose. He's got abnormally small nose-holes, so any snot at all makes him sound like Randy eating dinner every time he breathes. To help alleviate his congestion, we've implemented a strict regimen of nasal spray and nasal bulb syringe therapy.

Incidentally, if you clicked that last link, I think you should know that the baby in the clip is really just a tiny little adult actor. There's no way any baby is going to take that kind of intrusion that well. At least, ours doesn't. Perhaps it's the lack of Kenny G's smooth sounds in our nursery, but the moment he sees me grab the nasal spray, he commences heartbreaking crying until I've successfully extracted the three pounds of snot from his tiny little nose.

Aside from the cries, it's oddly rewarding pulling that much crap out of his face. Unfortunately, it's hard to pat myself on the back while I'm bouncing around like an idiot trying to calm him back down.

Finn: If you ever read this blog, know that Daddy is very sorry for the discomfort that he caused you. Know also that it was all Mommy's idea.

In other news, the boy and the bluebird have broken up. Don't worry, he's getting over it with his new animal friend, Hootie. And by getting over it, I mean stuffing Hootie entirely in his mouth. Hootie seems OK with that part. Apparently only the Dolphins make him cry.

Episode 2: Meet the Parkers

Travel issues aside, Finn was incredibly excited to meet those remaining family members that he had not yet had a chance to douse in bodily fluids. We had built our East Coast trip around my cousin Lee's wedding, so this was the perfect opportunity to hit everybody at once.

Upon arrival at JFK, the boy was immediately sucked out of our arms by Grandma Parker, the human baby vacuum. From that point on, I only saw him across the room and the only time I touched him was when his diaper needed cleaning. Funny how that works.

After what seemed like mere minutes relaxing at the grandparents' house, we were on the road to the wedding in Massachusetts, which means we were headed straight into the jaws of Red Sox Nation¹. We had arranged for Mema Finn and Cousin Caroline to babysit at the wedding, so we were fully prepared for a Grandma on Grandma smackdown. Unfortunately, no blood was spilled and they were able to resolve their issues with snide comments and sidelong glances.

I kid, I kid. Everyone got along just fine. The Ninja Credits that everyone was issued dictated how long they could hold the baby and we were very strict about enforcing them. Grandparents need structure and it's the parents' job to provide that.

The weekend was full of firsts. It was the first plane ride and the first trip back East, but perhaps most important, it was the first time that Great-grandma Parker laid eyes on the Ninja. This is the first great-grandchild, which means he will inherit all of the family goats & cows, or something like that. It was also the first time that Great-aunt Judy and my cousins Lee, Roy & Parker (I would put their relationship to the Ninja here, but after considerable discussion, we have no idea what it is) got to hold the boy as well. Altogether, this means that we took an obscene amount of pictures. This is good, because my parents never took any pictures of me as a baby, no matter what they say, or what photographic proof they present to try and disprove that statement.

The one my father was pushing for the most was the four generation portrait. We have a similar shot of me as a baby, with my father, his mother and her father, so we were eager to add the next generation to the mix. Please disregard Finn's evil black eyes. I don't know if you've ever seen an undoctored picture of an infant, but their eyes are huge and red. I traded those in on some huge and dark black eyes, courtesy of red-eye reduction.


All in all, it was an amazing first part to our trip. The wedding was gorgeous² and it was great to see all of the family that we hadn't seen in so long. As with all of our trips lately, it was over way too soon and before we knew it, we had to get back on the road. But not before taking a million more pictures, the cream of which can be seen here.

















Once our battery died and the memory card was full, it was off to CT for a recharge and to meet the rest of the Finns for which he was named.

To be continued...

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¹ I've got to admit, that is an extremely catchy name for a bandwagon. Nice job, ESPN.

² Aside from the Yankees effigy hung in the foyer. Relax Red Sox fans, you don't need to try so hard any more. You're winners. Now it's time to learn how to show some class. But don't look at me. We Yankees fans haven't figured that one out yet either.

It was bound to happen

I suppose I should have expected this, but I don't think I could have ever prepared for it. There I was this morning, lying in bed and playing with the Ninja - my two favorite things to do in the world - when the inevitable happened. While I was playing SuperNinja and flying him over my head, he threw up in my open mouth.

And I swallowed it.

I knew that the formula that we've got him on smelled bad, and I've even tasted it briefly on occasion, but never like this. It made my tongue numb.

We need to get this kid on solid food. I would have much preferred pizza from the sky.