Milestones

As Edie progresses through each of the major milestones of baby-dom, Kitty looks on wistfully, wishing she could make it all go slower... as I silently high-five myself just out of eyesight.

Don't get me wrong, I know that one day I'll look back at these early days of my (hopefully) last baby and wish that I could have them all back again.  But not today.  Today, I'm all about getting out of the darkness of the baby cave as fast as humanly possible.  This is the downside of having a six year old and a baby.  You know that all of the literal crap that you're cleaning up now goes away.  Sure, it's replaced by new crap - but that crap is figurative, and therefore less smelly.

Let's review some of the big milestones of the last couple of months:

• No more cloth diapers - YES!
• No more formula - YES! 
• No more bottles - YES!
• No more 4000 lb infant carrier - YES!
• No more stupid rear-facing car seat that does nothing but make Edie scream - YES!

That said, there are some milestones that I'm in no rush to reach, such as the removal of the pacifiers or the crib, since anything that keeps the baby quiet and/or contained is all good with me.  Despite my comments above, I'm also OK with diapers.  Since Edie's a little girl, there's no actual crap - she just poops rainbows and ice cream.  Or at least I assume she does.  I don't change diapers.

That brings the remaining milestones down to the following:

• No more Lego eating: I hope we hit this one soon, since we've gotten kind of lax about the crumbling cardboard guardrails that currently separate Edie from 5000 Lego Star Wars characters, so carefully crafted to fit the toddler trachea like only the Danish can.  Quality control is so good there that I bet I could still choke on the Legos I had as a kid.

• No more baby gates: Again, the sooner the better on this, given Edie's tendency to see all physical barriers as obstacles to overcome through kicking me in the face, punching me in the face & screaming... at my face; plus she loves to slam dunk her pacifiers over these Tony Fernandez style, which while adorable, results in many pacifiers/shoes/socks in the cat food - which we protect with a baby gate.

As my boy Roger Murtaugh says on poorly dubbed network television broadcasts of Lethal Weapon, "I'm getting too old for this spit."

Mothers

Legend has it that Abner Doubleday, the dude who created baseball, also invented Mothers' Day.  In fact, he invented both of them on the same day, in the exact same spot, in Cooperstown, NY in 1492.   Look it up.

First he invented baseball, then immediately thought of his mom (and apple pie) and so thusly invented both apple pie and Mothers' Day.   And now, tradition has it that all loving fathers are 100% obligated to treat the mothers in their lives to a baseball game on Mothers' Day.

Or at least I assume that's why Seattle scheduled their Safeco Field "Little League Day" on Mothers' Day.  There's really no other explanation.  But Kitty took it like a champ and even pretended that she was enjoying herself as Finn refused to pose for a single nice picture as we toured around the outfield before the game, Edie tried to eat every previously chewed peanut shell off of the stadium floor, and I generally ignored everyone in favor of beer, sunshine and the crack of the bat.

I'm a couple of days late on this, so I know this is no way to make up for a very non-traditional Moms' Day, but HAPPY MOTHERS' DAY to all of the moms out there in baseball-land.  I hope your Sundays were as Robbie-Cano-filled as ours.

If only Abner were still alive to see the fun he had wrought.  Unfortunately, soon after inventing baseball, apple pie, Mothers' Day and cold fusion, he died upon ingesting a combination of Pop Rocks & Coca Cola.

RIP Abner.  I'm sure you would've been proud.

Weaning

When we embarked on this whole baby-led weaning journey a few months back, I was operating under the apparently faulty assumption that the weaning would be the baby's and that it would be related to a progressive migration from milk to food.

Instead, what I learned that it really means is that you introduce food immediately and then you slowly start to wean your floor of the various tarps needed to protect it from the half-chewed & expelled carrots and you slowly start to wean the baby from the various complicated smocks & bib technologies that you acquired for top dollar from the internet's most expensive bibberies.

Whatever your definition, I'm happy to report that the weaning - while not going quite as quickly as I or the floor would have liked - is progressing.  We put the bottles away about a week ago, along with the dreaded bottle drying rack, which served the dual purpose of cluttering up our kitchen counter, as well as breeding new species of fruit flies.  Edie also appears to be swallowing roughly 60% more of her food these days, which is reducing the amount of cleanup of floor & person.

Unfortunately, she's not taken a real shining to throwing her new & expensive sippy cup technologies at the poor dented & stained floor, as well as at her mother and me, but I'll take that.  It's a lot easier and less vomit inducing to pick up a cup than it is to pick avocado out of the crevices of her chair.

Speaking of disgusting, I'd like to point out the picture above, which is the first photo evidence of voluntary sibling contact.

Not pictured, the booger that he's undoubtably rubbing on her hand.

No Love

I don't know if y'all have picked up on this, but there's been a distinct lack of Edie posts round these parts lately.  It's true - she's been blackballed from the blog.  She's been giving me the cold shoulder lately and I'm a petty, petty person that also happens to be ineffectual everywhere in the world except in this tiny little slice, where I can at least wield the Crappy Sword of Omission.

So THERE, Edie.  I'll show you for ignoring me and/or crying when I pick you up and/or constantly arching your entire body away from me while looking pleadingly with your saddest eyes at your mom as if to say, "Save me from this monster, woman!"

Aw crap.  I already regret e-lashing out.  I mean, look at that smile?  Could that smile really mask a calculating, Daddy-hating little devil?

Yes.  I'm certain of it.  Which is a shame, because I thought we were still in the glory days of PO childhood.  Pre-Opinions.  Because we all know that the development of opinions is where child-rearing really goes south.

It won't be long now until we're there.  She's coming entirely off the bottle, is mostly eating whole foods - at least those that she's not throwing at me out of spite - and is more or less down to one nap.  This is the end of infantdom and the dawn of toddlerism.  Dark, dark toddlerism.

But I'm not depressed.  I know that it's only a matter of time before she comes back my way.  She's a girl, after all, and I hear that they love their Daddies.  Or at least she will once I start telling her what her Mom says about her behind her back.

I'm a petty, petty person.

Greetings from Radiator Springs

My friends who have taken their kids to Disneyland talk about the effort of keeping the kids settled down as the date approached - the stomach aches, the crazy energy, the incessant requests for updates on timeline - so it was with mixed feelings that we dealt with absolutely none of that.  From the moment that we told Finn that we were going to Cars Land until roughly ten minutes into our Cars Land adventure, four weeks later, he didn't seem to care much at all.

And then this happened.

Yes, Mater really does drive around Cars Land... talking.

From that point, it was on...

Since we were in LA paying off several of my more poorly advised sport bets, we only had a day at Disneyland, specifically at California Adventure, but what a day it was.  Things to note about DCA:

1. That place is immaculate.  There were no blemishes that I could find anywhere in the park - the lines were manageable (on a Disney scale), the rides were all perfect, there was not a spot of trash (except for one oddly placed champagne bottle on a trashcan in the parking garage), and there was not a carnie in sight.  Amazing that they can pull this off at this scale.
2. I mentioned manageable lines, but that's only if you know how to play the game.  As long as you enter the park the minute it opens and run to the Fast Pass machine for Radiator Springs Racers, you can avoid the only 1+ hr line on a day like the one we had.  Add to that the "stroller pass" that allows the parent stuck with the baby to skip the line, as long as the kid and other parent have already waited in it, meant that Finn got to ride many rides twice in less time than rookies rode them once.
3. Phinneas & Ferb can really throw a dance party.  Even though I watched them do it three times in about an hour, they never tired and their enormous faces never appeared upset.  Must be all the hot Fireside Girls at their dance party.
4. The Cars are real.  I swear it.  Their lips move, their eyes follow you, it's freaking spooky.  And it's amazing.
5. Lunch at Flo's V8 Cafe is awesome.  A kid's meal of Lightning MacQueen & Cheese in a Lightning McQueen box and an open faced turkey sandwich with gravy and an IPA for Daddy?  I LOVE this place.

We only meant to spend 4-5 hrs at Disney, but in the end, we had to tear ourselves away after about 8.  That place really was the happiest place on earth.  Except for this weird floating tire ride in Cars Land, where everyone looked so disappointed in the ride's obvious suckiness that we had to avert our eyes and close our ears to Finn's repeated pleas to ride it.  Apparently he's not as in-tuned to tangible depression.

And while this vacation was clearly more for Finn, even Edie had a good time, dancing in the water feature outside a Bug's World and napping in Radiator Springs.

That nap proved crucial, because it enabled her to avoid passing out cold in the backseat of the rental car with her face in a paper bag.  Unlike her brother.

I think it's safe to say that we'll be back here.  In fact, I'm going to start saving my allowance right now.  Those Fireside Girls have expensive tastes.

The Sky is Falling

The best part of Finn's school play this year, other than Finn's Oscar-worthy performance as Little Fox #2?   Edie's ridiculously loud raspberry right during a quiet lull.

Nothing like getting heckled by a 13-month-old to break your stage confidence.

In the absence of anything insightful to say, check out his awesome fox fur coat:

The Sky is Falling A set by ParkerFamilySeattle » You can also view all 11 items as a slideshow

Awesome.

PBSD - Post Birthday Stress Disorder

Finn's birthday party was last weekend and it's taken me this long to drink myself steady enough to be able to write about it.  Turns out that inviting nine 6-7 year old boys into a house filled with swords & Legos isn't as relaxing and stress-free as it sounds.

Five boys?  Probably OK.  But once you've hit nine, you've achieved a statistical scale which ensures that the following will happen:

• Someone will cry - most likely after being hit in the head with a foam lightsaber
• Someone will wander off - most likely into the baby's room, which they will declare a "secret room!" despite the fact that it's right off the main hallway, fully furnished and inhabited by a small person
• Someone will refuse to play the game you've set up - even though they game you've setup is awesome
• Someone will try to grab every fragile thing in your house with a mechanical grabber claw and not relinquish it until you physically strip it from his hands - after which he will shrug and grab a sword to swing at aforementioned fragile things

And this was just in the first hour.  It's enough to make a guy start drinking beer surreptitiously from a coffee mug at noon.  In theory.

Mostly what we learned is that with that many kids, someone is bound to be a jerk at all times.  Not your kid, of course, person-who-is-reading-this-right-now.  Someone else's kid.

From here on out, we're either doing all outside parties - which will be tough in March in Seattle - or we're just dropping the kids off somewhere where professionals can manage them.  Like the zoo.

My heart is already racing just thinking about next year.  Where's my coffee mug...