Monday, November 18, 2013


I've learned a lot of things as a parent.  I can change a diaper with one hand while setting up a pack & play with the other; I can install a car seat while simultaneously cleaning vomit off of my pants; and I no longer retch if someone defecates directly onto me - provided that someone is one of my children.  One thing I didn't expect to learn was a new language.  But I have.  The language is Martyrese and I'm awesome at it.

It's not a hard language to learn.  You can use all of the words that you already know - you just can't use them to speak to the person with which you are communicating.  Martyrese must be delivered via a third-party to be effective.  It's a finesse language.  Intended to make your spouse feel guilty.  And if done right, extremely angry.

Let's practice.

Situation:  Baby is screaming, on the floor.
English Phrase:  "Dear wife, I would love some assistance with the crying baby."
Martyrese:  Spoken directly to nine-month-old child:  "Oh, I'd love to pick you up sweetie, but Daddy has been so busy doing all of the housework while Mommy sits over there checking her email that I'm not sure when I'll be able to help."

Sounds like English, right?  But it's not.  It's way better.  It's like English on amazing passive-aggressive-steroids.  The emotion that such a simple phrase evokes in Martyrese far exceeds almost anything you could get from a sentence with such few swear words in English.  If your wife doesn't speak to you for an hour, you'll know you've got it right.

I get it right a lot.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to quit blogging so I can go finish up some work stuff.  I want you (dear readers) to know that I would have done it earlier, but I was too busy doing laundry and making sure our family finances don't fall apart while someone sat on the floor playing with our adorable kids that I didn't have time.

I'm so good at this it's scary.

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